Journal No 17

10th March
O Captain, My Captain~
Time moves on, as it does without regard for mere mortals. I find myself settling into a state of contentment as I continue on with my studies. Never before have I felt so free in my learning process. It is as if the cosmos above pulls me along my chosen path. I find it to be almost eerie how eager I am to adapt, to mutate, and meld my...associations with voodoo to such strange and cosmic heights.
I suppose I lied earlier when I spoke of contentment. It is more that I am driven in my need to know. It's like trying to grab something that is almost beyond one's reach. Straining every muscle and tendon, trying to gain those few extra inches because you know you've almost got it.
When the village is silent in the dead of night, I climb the manor tower. It is here I rest, that I find solace from the problems of the day. A place where I try to ease my mind and free it from mental obstacles...roadblocks if you will.
From the parapet I can almost see forever. I lose myself in the vast expanse before me forgetting everything. For a moment, I realize that I too am nothing more than stardust, shining out some dark light. It makes me wonder, thousands of years from now, will my dark light still shine? Like the dead stars winking in the night, will I too leave a mark of my passing?
The other night Miss Amber and I spoke of matters of a healing sort. It was during this conversation that I was struck by how compassionate her skills are. I think it must speak to her kind nature. I wonder if she will be able to keep that benevolence as time passes. Time and experience can scour away so much. It erodes at one, much like a piece of sea glass caught in the tumble of the surf. It is still glass, but it is nothing like the glass it started out as. In my time I have seen many become jaded. It is rare the one that can stand against such outside forces, and not be changed.
It is not that I consider myself a malignant force, or that I seek to actively harm others. Perhaps I have a cruel streak, but it is more that I am self serving. I shall always put my needs and interests above all others, saving yourself. I am aware of myself enough to acknowledge that fact and make no apologies for it. It is part of who I am, and a leopard does not change it's spots. If that marks me as tainted or dark to some, then so be it. I will not be other than what I am.
I do still insist that one may have a dark nature and still have a strange sort of kindness. One cannot have light without the dark as they say. Some just feel more at ease in the shadows than they do by the glaring light. Even the Hermit shields his eyes away from the light if one looks close enough at a tarot card.
Achingly Yours, Angeline~